Picnic

March 3^rd,2011: Well I guess I’ll write about my favorite PICNIC. I was living in Camarillo, California at that time. I was around 7 or 8 years old. We were at an outing with dad’s Air Force buddies. Don’t remember where we had the picnic, but it was away from the city. The thing I remember the most was that it rained. I absolutely love the picnic because of the rain. Dad was happy and we were all together. Don’t remember what we had for the picnic or anything else. I just remember feeling the rain fall on me and just loving the feeling I had at that time of the family being together.

It always seemed that when dad was with his Air Force buddies, he was a happy joyful dad to be around, maybe because there was always beer available. Dad loved his beer. But it was not always good for dad. I remember he was drunk most of the time when we were around him. He would come home from work and be drunk. Mom would be so mad, and then as soon as she saw him, she would melt and feel sorry for him because he was so sick.

 I remember he was sick in many other ways too. Did not like what he was like when mom wasn’t there and he was drunk. This and the fact that dad always told me I was a stupid idiot all the time made my life somewhat unbearable when I was young. Not that we didn’t have some good times together, but they were not often enough. Dad was what you call an alcoholic. He definitely could not handle his liquor. It became a mental illness as well. Your brain just does not do well with alcohol in large amounts. Needless to say Amy and I had a pretty hard time of it all because of the abuse we took due to his mental state most of the time.

 If we were not being call stupid and made to feel that we were just not capable of doing anything, we were being abused in ways that I cannot mention. I say this because I have grown up now and see my father in a very different way now. I cannot condone what he has done to my sister and me, but I do understand a little better what controlled him and that maybe his attitude of our abilities was do to his very capableness. He was very talented in almost any trade. He was a hard worker, knew how to do almost anything. If he did not know he would find out.

 He was a 6^th grade drop out. He was taken out of school to work on the farm for his parents. He did get into a lot of trouble in school that didn’t make his life any better for him. I believe now that I have an ADHD boy of my own that dad perhaps had this same disorder. They didn’t know as much about it back then. But I can see by the things that he did and how he behaves that he had it as well. Another problem with ADHD people is that they are highly addictive. This pretty much explains about his alcoholism. But even though he had these problems and did not have a full education, he was extremely smart and capable. He did receive his HS diploma in the Air Force.

 Because of his extreme capableness though, Amy & I were never able to measure up. This always made me mad and defiant inside. This was a gift that I was given, because it was this defiance that gave me the strength to do what I have done in life. I was always determined to show him just what I was capable of doing. It may not have impressed my dad, but it kept me going forward in life. I hated the abuse that my dad gave to Amy & me. It got to the point that because my mom had a mental block about the subject of sex and sexual abuse that I couldn’t take it any more and I went to the Air Force Authorities to turn dad in for sexual abuse (I was 9 year old at the time). Amy & I were taken out of school separately into a room by ourselves to testify against dad. I remember this was a very difficult thing to do, but had to be done or else it would never change. I could not bear life as it was, so there was no alternative but to do what we had to do.

 Our (Amy & I) actions that day forever changed our lives. Dad was given a dishonorable discharge from the Air Force after 17 years of service to our country. He was then put into a mental hospital/Prison facility for a year. We were kicked out of KP housing. The Lutheran Church kicked us out of the Church, because we were horrible dirty people. Our neighbor friends were told they could not play with us. We became outcasts. I remember feeling very alone, but ready for a new life.

 It was then that we came to know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. What a beautiful new beginning. I have always felt a love from a father up above, but never knew it as strongly as I know it now. He was very aware of me in our time of trial. He was and is the source of my strength from the very beginning. Mom had been invited to go to a MIA (Mutual Improvement Association) activity when she was 12 years old by a friend named Luanna. She never went again, but had the experience to draw from later in life. At this time of our life on earth, mom took us to all different churches. We were told that we could choose the church we wanted to go to. I remember when we went to the Mormon Church. We went through the double doors and the spirit of the Holy Ghost completely took over my whole body. I felt it so strongly. I never will forget that awesome feeling. I knew that that was where we were suppose to be. We took the lessons and we all joined the Church together.

 I was 10 years old when I was baptized. Words alone cannot express the gratitude I feel for having the gospel in my life now. But even better things were still to come. My dad decided that he really did love us and did not want to loose us. He started taking the missionary lessons in the facilities he was in. He quit Smoking and drinking cold turkey. I’m sure he was not able to in the hospital any ways, but he now was doing it because of his family now. Dad was beginning to do a change that will take affect of the rest of his life. Being where he was and for what reasons he was there, he was not able to be baptized as of yet. After a year in the hospital/Prison Facilities, he was released and came home to us.

 We lived in Oxnard, California at this time. It was difficult but glad to have him home. There was a lot of adjusting to do. I never did feel comfortable hugging my dad. I hope you can understand, but it just was that way. That did not mean that I did not love him. It’s hard to imagine. It did not happen all at once though. It took a lot of time and trust building to get there. He then wanted to be baptized. He was not given the chance as of yet. He was told that because of the nature of his sins that he would need to be tried first. He was told that he would be given a year trial period of which to prove himself worthy for baptism. Dad did all that he could to be worthy of baptism. A year later he was baptized. Another year later and we were all sealed together in the Los Angeles Temple for time and all eternity. Dad really did do a turn around.

 He developed a testimony of the Jesus Christ and his Atonement. He then devoted his life to serving where ever he was needed. He served on several stake missions, and did service for the widows wherever he could. Amy & I still had our struggles with dad to overcome ourselves. It has taken our whole life time to do. Amy has had an even harder time getting through it. The scars that were left in our souls have been a constant reminder to us of our responsibility to overcome our own weaknesses and take advantage of the complete atonement in our own behalf. We have been grateful every day for the love of our Father in Heaven and his constant awareness of our weaknesses and desire to over come them, and His help in doing so.

 Weak thing make us strong. It did my dad, and because of his example I am not only blessed by his life, but also love my father very much for the great example that he gave us. This life experience was also a very hard thing for him to overcome as well. It was not easy being around his daughters in his right frame of mind, and know that his daughters were very aware of his actions. This I know hurt him so much. It was very hard for him to get through. He had a hard time with what he did to us. Before he died, he could not go without knowing that we had forgiven him. We each were given the opportunity to talk to him before he went to give him the assurance that he was forgiven. I love you Dad!

(Dad died on January  , 20  , and Mom died 4 days later of a block 4^th ventricle of the back of her head on February  , 20  . We had there funerals together.) Dad would not die because he was afraid of what would happen to mom. Mom was very heavy and could not get up if she fell by herself. He was afraid she could not take care of herself, so we felt that he just had to take her with him and so he did. She came down with a very severe headache the minute that dad passed away. Four days later she was gone. She was healthy up to that point other then her weight.